My Journey Towards Spiritual Formation

I have not shared this with our list, but I officially became a doctoral candidate in August. Over the next nine months, I will be working on four micro-projects. The first is a series of six blogs on spiritual formation for leaders—this being the first. The other three will be different projects connected to spiritual formation. I hope these blogs encourage you on your journey to become more like Yeshua!

There’s nothing like experiencing the presence of God. And in the presence of God, there is no panic or worry. For thirty-six hours, it was as if Yeshua himself were hugging me. And I definitely needed it. I could not remember the last time I had experienced the presence of God like that, or even close. This was in March 2023.

Let’s go back about nine months to June 2022. From every outward index, I was successful.

• I was the CEO of Tikkun International.

• I was the President of Shelanu TV, Israel’s only 24/7 Hebrew-language digital gospel television channel, and the Israel Regional Director for GOD TV.

• I had my own teaching and blogging ministry. 

• My wife and I had started an Israel tour company that was doing well.

• And I was finishing up my master’s degree with my doctorate in sites.

And that’s only the half of it. Eitan Shishkoff, a mentor and a friend, regularly expressed concern about my workload. I told him that I understood his concern, but I felt grace for everything I was doing. “I know I should feel overwhelmed, but I don’t,” I told him more than once. And then, one day, an unfamiliar feeling corrupted my life: depression. Somehow, I had mistook adrenaline for grace. I crashed. I suddenly found myself unhappy, and I could not shake it. All the old tricks were useless: pray in the Spirit for an hour, bind the enemy, confess the Word of God and his promises. Nothing worked!

Several months later, this depression turned into a hopeless oppression—something I had never experienced before. My wife and I were scheduled to take an older couple sightseeing around Jerusalem. I was frozen in panic. Whatever depression I had been toying with had turned into a monstrous panic attack. Despite feeling that the world was closing in on me, I somehow made it through two days of touring while dealing with a feeling of hopelessness that I never experienced, wondering if God even existed.

On the way home from Jerusalem, I did two things: With my wife sitting beside me, I called my friend, Eitan Shishkoff and his wife, Connie, and poured out my heart to them. Next, I made an appointment with a believing psychologist. Something was wrong! It did not take her long to diagnose me with moderate to severe depression due to being overworked and burned out. This led to some hard choices. I let go of about fifty percent of what I was doing, thinking that would solve the problem—but it didn’t. I was still depressed, but now, I had much more time on my hands to think about how depressed I was. I preferred being overworked! I realized that my workaholic mentality was only masking the real problem—my devotion experience, or lack thereof, with God.

In January 2023, I contacted a retreat center in Scotland called Blairmore. I told them what I was going through and asked if I could simply come there and pray. I needed to rebuild my devotional life—I needed a revelation of spiritual formation, a term with which I was unfamiliar. I knew I needed to get outside of Israel for this to take place. They told me to come and even offered to pray with me every other day.

As an introvert most comfortable in my home office, getting on that airplane was one of the hardest things ever. Where was I going? To whom was I going? It felt like I was voluntarily entering a prison. I would be in the middle of Scotland with no car (not to mention they drive on the wrong side of the road, sitting in the passenger seat!). Everything in me told me not to go. I had to keep reminding myself that the other option was for things to remain the same.

It just so happened that this retreat in Scotland coincided with a course I was taking at the end of my Master’s program. It was called The Spirit Formed Leader. It focused on a term that I introduced above: Spiritual Formation. Spiritual formation is the intentional process of growing in a deeper relationship and intimacy with God through disciplines that shape one’s character and actions to reflect spiritual maturity and a likeness of the Messiah. We will go deeper into both the theology of spiritual information and the disciplines in later blogs, but let me say that this course changed the course of my life.

The four books that we had to read for the class became part of my devotional experience at Blairmore. Richard Foster, in Streams of Living Water, challenged me with the testimony of the Desert Monk Antony, who fought demons and overcame temptation. “After his twenty years in the desert, God catapulted him into one of the most remarkable ministries” 1 of the fourth century. That was followed by the story of Frank Laubach, who, like me, experienced deep brokenness later in life. This led him to a desperate pursuit of God. Out of this brokenness, he had an experience that earned him the moniker “the Apostle of Literacy.” 2 He was not only known for his worldwide literary mission 3 but his passion to give every minute of every day to the Lord. 4

Diane Chandler’s Christian Spiritual Formation gave me a theology for this pursuit of wholeness. She divides Christian spiritual formation into seven categories: spirit, emotions, relationship, intellect, vocation, physical health and wellness, and resource stewardship. 5 She traces this holistic approach to the Garden of Eden when God chose to make men and women in his image. Though we lost much of God’s image in the fall, quoting Stanley Grenz, she claims, “The New Testament writers declare that ultimately the imago dei is Christ and, by extension, the new humanity, consisting of those who through union with Christ share in Christ’s relationship to God and consequently are being transformed into the image of God in Christ.” 6

7

Gary Thomas, in Sacred Pathways, helped me see that not everyone encounters God the same way and that I specifically experience God in nature—the outdoors. Being in Scotland, arguably the most beautiful country in the world, gave me ample opportunity to take long walks talking to Jesus. “Bernard of Clairvaux, a famous twelfth-century Cistercian monk, wrote, ‘You will find much more labouring amongst the woods than you ever will amongst books. Woods and stones will teach you what you can never hear from any master.’” 8

And finally, Pastor Rich Villodas’s metaphor of the Titanic in The Deeply Formed Life hit home. 

For those up on top, there was a tragic obliviousness. Everything still looked magnificent; life was great. But on the lower level, where the iceberg hit, it was a different story. Soon enough, the issues (the water) of the lower level began to rise to the upper deck. And in the final moments of the movie (spoiler alert!), the Titanic broke up and was consumed by the icy depths. You can see the metaphor: sooner or later the issues on life’s lower decks, though we remain oblivious, will nevertheless rise to the top. 9

That was a beautiful picture of my tragic situation. Everything looked good on the top deck: respectful professional life, pursuing higher education, and burgeoning tour business. However, below the deck, the waters were rushing in, ready to wreak havoc on my weakened soul.

In Scotland, I rebuilt my foundation. Unlike the Titanic, I could stop the floods, repair the breaches, and set sail on a new course. The most important thing I did was to reprioritize my devotional life. Nothing was more important than spending time with God. Every morning, I sought the Lord through his word, prayer (with words and in silence), reading my textbooks, and writing. In the afternoon, I would take long walks throughout the pastoral woodlands surrounded by sheep, goats, and cows. Every other day, I would humble myself by receiving prayer ministry from Peter and Liz, the directors, which often left me in tears.

On the fourth day of my retreat, the Lord hugged me and didn't let go for thirty-six hours. “What do you mean, Ron, ‘He hugged you.’?” Unfortunately, when we seek to describe supernatural experiences of what the late Michael Heiser called The Unseen Realm, 10 we only have human words to explain it. In truth, I don't know how to explain exactly what happened in my soul during those thirty-six hours, except that it felt like Yeshua was hugging me. Hope came home. Depression dissolved. Oppression was obliterated. Faith flourished inside of me. And love lifted me.

I left Scotland not only a new man but a man with new tools—tools to continue this journey of spiritual formation. One of the first things I did was to change my focus for my doctoral studies from apologetics to spiritual formation. Over the summer, I devoured books on the subject from experts like Dallas Willard, Robert Mulholland, and John Mark Comer. I listened to podcasts and interviews to better understand spiritual formation.

That was a year and a half ago, and I would be lying to you if I told you that every day, I felt like God was hugging me. I would also be lying if I told you I stayed true to the disciplines daily. It’s a struggle. Every morning, there seems to be something else calling for my attention. My country went through the worst terror attack in the history of Israel, only minutes from my house, on October 7, 2023. This led to forty days of incredible stress before I was able to refocus. 

Yet, I have learned that if I rely on the biblical disciplines, I will encounter the presence of God. Not always. Not every day. It’s like working out. You may not see the results immediately, but eventually, you flex and realize that your biceps have gotten bigger, and you feel healthier. If you’ll allow me, I’d like to share with you more about this subject of spiritual formation over the next several weeks. We will look into theology, history, the disciplines, and so much more. Thank you for reading a little bit about my journey into a deeper relationship with Jesus. I can’t wait to hear about yours.

---

1. Richard Foster, Streams of Living Water (New York, NY: HarperCollins, 2001), 29, Kindle.

2. Ibid., 41.

3. Ibid., 48.

4. Ibid., 44.

5. Diane J. Chandler, Christian Spiritual Formation (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2014), 18, Kindle.

6. Ibid., 38.

7. Ibid., 17.

8. Gary Thomas, Sacred Pathways (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1996), 39, Kindle.

9. Rich Villodas, The Deeply Formed Life (Colorado Spring, CO: Waterbrook, 2020), introduction, Kindle.

10. Michael Heiser, The Unseen Realm (Bellingham, WA: Lexham Press, 2015).