Dear Mr. President — An Open Letter of Advice

Dear Mr. President,

To be clear, I am addressing you, Barack Hussein Obama, not President “I ride horses without a shirt” Putin, who seems to have quickly usurped your role as leader of the free world. Who would have believed, Sir, that you, a Nobel Peace Prize-winning, Harvard-educated constitutional lawyer (I assume we are referring to the U.S. Constitution), have been made to appear like a warmongering brute, by the Georgia-invading, Chechnya-crushing, former KGB leading (murderer, torturer), freedom of expression-repressing, freedom of the press-smashing, thug of Red Square.

Now listen, I will be gentle here in offering advice, as I know that you have had the toughest week – not only of your presidency, but that of any president since Bush 41 fainted into the lap of his host Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa, before vomiting. At least in his case, it was uncontrollable. However, in your situation, virtually each point of global embarrassment was a direct result of your actions.

1. Unilaterally deciding to attack Syria only to find out that no one supports you.

2. Just before the attack you decide to allow Congress to vote, shocking your closest advisers, (so Congress can share in the blame if things go bad or you can blame them for a no vote). In the end, congress would not support you.

3. Allowing it to be leaked that “military officials have been asked to revise their plans 50 times since the Pentagon first began considering a ‘limited’ action” (further causing even those who support military action, to wonder if you have what it takes to carry it out).

4. Allowing John Kerry to refer to the attack as “unbelievably small.”

5. And then, getting schooled by Puttie-Poot (as your predecessor ‘W’ used to call him) when he not only manipulated you to ‘give peace a chance’ but then slammed your speech, not in the Moscow Times, BUT THE NEW YORK TIMES!

6. (These are just the highlights!)

How are you getting out of bed in the morning?

I don’t know if you have heard the latest, but now Assad is saying he will only follow through on getting rid of WMDs if “the United States stops threatening military action and sending weapons to Syrian rebels.” Next he is going to demand that the only sane Middle Eastern country give up its nukes – not that we have any.

Don’t you see Sir, this was his plan all along (and by His I mean Pu-tinassad)? Did you not learn anything from Iran or North Korea? They act tough, right up until they are attacked, and then they pretend to moderate. Next they stall. This is a ploy, and you have been played. The very next day you have Putin calling you out in the NYTimes and now Assad’s getting in your face.

The truth is that Duck (That is what Asma affectionately calls him. They are such a cute couple!), a trained eye-doctor, sees clearly. He doesn’t really care about his chemical weapons; he doesn’t want to lose power. But he must go. The greatest threat to Israel (from where I write) and Middle East Stability (sounds funny even saying that, Middle East Stability) is the Iran-Hezbollah-Syrian axis. Ridding the world of Bashar Assad will significantly weaken Hezbollah, upon whom the Iranians lean as a de facto military wing in Lebanon.

Bashar the Butcher (that is how his people refer to him… also affectionately) knows that if the Rebels don’t get help and Russia helps him, he will defeat them.

MY ADVICE

Okay, why should you listen to me? I know, I am just a talking head – another loud mouth, Monday morning quarterback. But come on – to whom have you been listening? It would appear that you couldn’t do any worse by listening to me. Three simple steps:

1. You need to regain the upper ground by first rejecting Assad’s demands.

2. Set a very short, but realistic, timetable for Syria to get rid of its chemical weapons.

3. (Now this is the hard part) If he doesn’t fulfill his obligations, and he won’t, (with or without congress, with or without the UN), strategically attack Syria with the goal of regime change (remember, this is his greatest fear). (I know, you are wondering, “But who will step in the void…” valid question … but let’s deal with that later.)

In order to carry out part 3, you are going to need to summon up some serious courage. Since President Reagan is not here to teach you how to deal with Russia, you might want to play some YouTube clips of him confronting the Soviet Union. Here is a great one.

Lastly, you should call President Bush. I know he wasn’t perfect, but he sure had resolve when he needed it (and congress agreed to fight his wars). Despite the endless jabs you have taken at him (like the other night when you portrayed yourself as the president who ends, not starts wars [like G.W.] or continuing to blame him for your economy), he would be happy to share with you how to stand tall in the midst of fierce international opposition. On this day of Yom Kippur, I am sure he will forgive you for your past disrespect.

Okay, Mr. President. That is all I have for now. If you need more advice, you know where to find me – just ask the NSA.